Tea Time

I have so many things to blog about. About N and A. 

But that doesn’t matter. I woke up this morning, telling myself to be a different person. I’m changing as we speak. Metaphorically. Not physically. 

I’m beginning not to care anymore. 

About school.

About grades.

About life.

About everything. 

One day, 17-year-old self. One day you will see the real night sky. 

[side note: I know I didn’t reblog this. I doubt anyone reads this blog, but just to be safe, I’m not ripping off someone else’s incredible work. I just want to be sure no one knows who I am] 

Today, I took a mental health day off.  I feel like I’m failing everything. Or it’s not even that. I’m just really stressed and overwhelmed. I need to relax today. 

I turned in my college packet today! That relieved a lot of stress actually. 

Am I ready to face school, college, and work? I think I am. I can do it. 

N: (past to present) : birthday, feeling oddly uncomfortable dressing nice with a raincoat, talking about hc, and her mom letting her go, strawberry fruit smoothies that are nasty (not), cutting Brian off in the parking lot, disappointment of Garden Club, midol, tiny present (pencil), stinging over hands from cartwheels, not getting pmt, chess matches Derek against Rebekah’s brother,  

Talking to “M2” is quite the de-stresser. ”M2” knows exactly what to say, even if ”M2” doesn’t know what ”M2” is talking about. 

Thank you, “M2”. You’re saving my life. And I barely even know you. 

I already feel burned out and I’m not even in college yet. 17 years is a long time. But in a different perspective, it’s not. (N)

I just want to drop all my classes and have 7 preps. 

I think it’s just because I am too tired mentally and spiritually. My body feels fine, even after all the sleep-deprivation-abuse I’ve put it through. Thank you, body.  

I just want to give up sometimes. 

Actually, I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want.

Even though I’ve always known that there was a difference between being lonely and being alone, it took today to finally realize which one I wanted. I have been asking people for years that question, and I’m not even sure how I answered that question back then. I realize it is far better to be alone than to be lonely. Sure, I have friends. Some people might even consider me their best friend.

Today, I ate lunch with “I” and gang. I realized I was lonely even though there were people around me. There’s something wrong with me. 

So then, I found inner peace after realizing this. Eating by myself won’t be such torture anymore. I have begun to appreciate what I have rather than keep wanting something I don’t. 

I mean, sure. I can go join “N” or “M” anytime I want. I don’t know what’s stopping me. The awkwardness? The feeling like I don’t belong? The feeling that I’m losing my friends? The feeling that they only use me when they need me? The feeling that I am the person that everyone comes to when they need to be cheered up and listened to, but when my time of need comes, there’s nobody there? 

Maybe all of those things. Maybe I’m wrong. 

I made this not-so-secret blog in a desperate attempt to retain my memories and the past. Writing in a diary took too long. And I don’t want to post anything on my normal tumblr. That would just be awkward.